Blog Virgin

Its funny...I'm sitting in front of my computer screen nervous to start typing like I'm speaking in front of a live audience. I can only guess it's because I may or may not be afraid of whats about to come out. I've had alot of things happen to me recently. Things I've never had to deal with. So, just like anybody else in a new situation, it takes time to adapt. Trial and error. Tons of trials so far, and far more errors. "To err is human, to forgive...divine." I know ya'll heard that before, can't think of which old smart white guy said it tho. Anyway....it seems to apply in this situation. Only problem is, the conflict is internal. So I guess the lesson that's emerging here is that the hardest person to forgive sometimes is yourself. But what the hell did I do? Trying to stay tough all the time. That shit is for the birds. But it seems to work for me. Until now. *tears start to fall* Yeah I know, who ever thought I cry? I do. Being a tough kid works when you're dealing with OTHER people. Its like defensive driving kinda. Doesn't work when you're dealing with the inevitable. Death.

There's no getting around it really. At some point in life most ppl are gonna lose someone close to them. Ppl used to ask me what I was afraid of....my answer has always been the same. "Elephants, and losing ppl that are close to me." Then....January 2nd 2009....it happened to me. My greatest fear became real. Phone rings....its around 7:30 on a Friday morning. I look, its my brother from Cali. We don't have anything to talk about at 7am....so I guess I kinda knew what he was gonna say. I said "Hello" in a kinda panic, just hoping that he was gonna say something else. ANYTHING else. Nope. He says "Sis. Dad passed away at about 5 this morning." Which was about 30 minutes ago Cali time. All I could really do was scream at that point. So....I guess that was the beginning of my grieving process. A process I recently figured out I failed at. Maybe not though, I'm not done yet. But I have to forgive myself for not knowing how to grieve. A year and a half later....I'd say I'm still in the acceptance phase. Shit, isn't that the FIRST phase in the grief process? I'm 24, surely by now I know that when ppl die, they don't come back. So then I guess that makes me a lunatic....waiting for my daddy to call me or something. I'm struggling to even TYPE that he's never coming back. Just kinda reinforces the idea that no matter how old you get, you're still a kid when it comes to your parents. You feel like your parents will always be there. That's what they tell you all your life. "I love you, and I'll always be there for you." I know I've heard it from my mom and my dad. And no, I'm not headed in that "daddy why'd you leave me" direction. I'm not angry with him. I'm not THAT far gone lol. I get it, he didn't have a choice. It's not our option to die. And I know that if it was up to him, we'd probably be living in that 2 bedroom apartment he said we'd get together when he moved back to KC. Except he never got to move back.

My struggle though....how in the HELL do you get over something like that? I cry, I throw stuff, I talk about my daddy, but so far, that hasn't helped me get over the fact that I'll never SEE him. He can never pinch the shit outta me, which used to make me cry but I'd give away everything for that 2 seconds of pain. That Alicia Keys "Sleeping With a Broken Heart" song is playing right now. I know shes talking about someone she was in love with....but I'm the tough kid, sooooo nobody has ever gotten close enough to make me feel like I can't make it without them. So when I listen to this song, the broken heart I'm trying to sleep with is because of my daddy. I just have to disregard all the lyrics about my body and shit lol. But I do....I do eventually have to find a way to make it without him. He wasn't always a financial presence, shit probably never actually. But he ALWAYS ALWAYS made sure he taught me stuff. Told me the truth about things I probably shouldn't have even been listening to lol. But I soaked it in. I guess I soaked it in.....I can't remember much of it anymore. And thru this process, I've realized that I can't remember much of it because I guess its become a part of my own thinking process. We were like twins. He'd say some off the wall, HELLA true shit and I'd be thinking...."This guy is a genius." Lol....It only gets bad when I'm in a situation like now. My back is against the wall. And I can react. Or just let myself fall off the cliff. Thats where dad comes in....he talks me off the edge. Maybe by even telling me how stupid I was for being there in the first place lol. He gives me the truth....then I go to my grandma....she gives it to me the Christian way. Guess what? Got a call on Mothers Day this year to tell me SHE was gone too.

I'm blessed. I really am. I have an INCREDIBLE support system thats still here. But those 2....we had so many moments, so many conversations, so many epiphanies drawn from their advice....I'm stuck. Yes, I have my mom. She's incredible. But when ppl become such a permanent fixture in your life....its hard to picture it without them. I want my mom, my dad, and gma. My mom is all I have left at this point. Yeah, sisters, brothers, friends, blah blah blah. But theres no love like the love you get from your parents. Both of my parents and my gma have always been big on me getting a degree....and because of NOBODY but myself...they'll miss it. They won't be able to call me and tell me how excited they are about my degree. They won't be able to come to the graduation, or the dinner afterwards, or anything else. They won't be here to see what happens next. And my wedding.....I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy it. I feel like I'll be consumed by the fact that my daddy isn't there. My daddy never met this man. My daddy isn't here to give me away. I don't WANT anybody else's daddy to give me away. I want my OWN daddy to be there, praying to God that I'm making the right decision. I want my OWN daddy to say something silly when they ask who gives this bride blah blah blah...whatever they say. And I still......haven't......accepted the fact that these things won't happen. I guess with the death of my grandma, all the pain from my daddys death came back to the surface. I haven't been this bent out of shape about it in a while. So I guess I've got two grieving processes going on at once. I'm sure that's unhealthy somehow. Yes, I know....going back to the degree, everyone will say "Now you have to do it FOR them." Ahhh bah humbug. Keep the cliches please. Sure I could do it for them....but has everyone forgot that they're DEAD? It feels like shit. And it'll feel like shit to walk across the stage in 2 years with my degree and not be able to enjoy the LIVE bodies that are there to support me because all I can think about are the 2 ppl I'm missing.

Selfish. That's what I'm being. Very selfish. They were both in pain, and I bet they feel great right now. Struggle builds character. I'm sure once I'm able to see through the tears, I will have learned tons of things from this. At this point though....I'm fighting to stay above water. I feel like I'm drowning in my own grief. The fact that almost NOTHING else has gone my way in the last 8 months doesn't help this situation at all. There are little things I do to help me think happy thoughts about them. Wearing my daddys chain....calling myself TAYLORMADE, my daddy said that. Always said "You know what you are girl! You're a TAYLOR! TaylorMade!" The more I talk about it, and admit that I'm not over it, the better it feels. I can actually feel myself getting closer. Closer to living again. Closer to being the 24 year old woman I have the potential to be. I have the knowledge to get 7 damn degrees if I want. I'll settle for one right now though lol. I can feel myself getting closer to the job I need.....getting back to school....and doing the things my grandma taught me to do. The things my daddy told me I better do. The things my mama is patiently waiting for me to do. I'm blessed. Blessed with a tremendous amount of strength. Blessed with fairly tough skin. Blessed with incredible ppl in my life. So I should probably stop complaining. One day it'll hit me and I'll realize that emotions are okay. My best friend Adam....he lost his daddy a couple years before I lost mine. I think he gave me the best advice of anybody when my daddy died. "Sis don't let anybody tell you how to grieve. NOBODY." He had his serious voice on lol. That's true though. Just because I'm not crying doesn't mean I'm not grieving. Or...if I wanna cry everyday, don't tell me I can't dammit. And don't freakin tell me I can't still be grieving a year and a half later. Hello...it was a whole PARENT I lost. Not a dog.

So....I'm gonna do this. I have to be responsible for whats going on with me because nobody knows whats going on but me. I can offer myself better help than anybody else can offer me. Starting now, maybe....no more facades. No more smiling to hide the pain. BUT....I do kinda think its healthy to stay busy instead of staying in bed all day moping around. That's a waste of life. But instead of calling my friends and saying "Hey I'm bored, lets go do something." Knowing damn well I'm not bored. I'll call and say "I'm having a daddy moment....I need to be around some people." There's nothing wrong with that. And I have damn good friends. They know how to make me feel better. I'm not a heathen, I believe in God, so I believe that both my grandma and my daddy know exactly what's going on with me. And I know they're both scratching their heads in confusion wondering why I'm wasting time right now. I got it, I got it. I'm turning over a new leaf....its just the heaviest leaf EVER. Let me build my strength back up.....wake up, realize who I am, and what I'm made of. I have to start utilizing the tools God blessed me with. Turning over a new leaf for me....FIRST means going back to work. SECOND means going back to school. THIRD means making some lifestyle changes. Since I can't go back to work til someone gives me a job, and I can't go back to school til August, I'll start with the lifestyle changes lol. My prayer, among many other things....is that this time next year....I feel like a different person. I pray that I'm in a TOTALLY different place, mentally, than where I am now. I pray that my life is headed in a direction that would be pleasing to the people who know what I'm capable of, probably more than I do.

This is a long ass blog lol.....its taken about an hour total so far. I wasn't really here to say anything profound....just to say some things I haven't been saying for the past week or two. Just been sweeping my pain under the rug....but I feel better. I do. And I say this all the time....there are sooooooo many people dealing with things that are way worse than what I'm dealing with (not the death, the regular life stuff) so I should be thankful. Yeah sure I wanna go to work and get a degree. What about ppl who don't know where their next meal is coming from? Or ppl who need medical treatment and can't afford it? Or mothers who can't feed their children? Or ppl dealing with REAL illness and are in constant pain? Yeah Whitney, I'd say you're doing pretty good by some ppls standards. And I realize that. Which is why I try not to complain that much. I realize that I will NEVER be perfect....but I will damn sure try to be happy with myself. Because we all know....you can't truly be happy with anyone else....until you're happy with yourself....which brings me to the topic of my next blog, for tomorrow....WHY IM SINGLE. Ppl ask me that all the time, so I'll explain. Tomorrow. OUT.